Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment