“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
You Might Also Like
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.