Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar