It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
You Might Also Like
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!