Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Good morning, Twitter x
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.