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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”