ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You Might Also Like
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
not for long
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”