[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
No, I don’t think I will.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack