[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
$3 #books
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*