marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.