I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’d hang this in my house.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.