“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The dark side of Canada
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The future is now.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Put this video in the Louvre
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends