i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The cashier just checked me out.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭