8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My time has come.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.