Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it