[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA