How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”