me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
This kid will have a bright future.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.