[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
starting a garage orchestra
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The first one, obviously
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.