People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
You Might Also Like
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Lassie, get help!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
much to think about
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.