haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.