I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
🖤✌🏽
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?