A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Hey i am sexy to you now
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon