Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
#oldknees
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing