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BOSS: Ok, so weβve decided weβre definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I feel like IBM isnβt being roasted enough for their company name.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity β he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldnβt have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Γ is to Fruit Ninja.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. Iβve never actually called him bunny, but I didnβt have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, heβs bunny now. Forever.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Sing it!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesnβt
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that Iβm older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.