[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
checking out some reviews of my local library
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.