“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.