The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.