i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Otters drive ottermobiles.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
best review i’ve ever seen
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec