Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I only say stupid things when I talk.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”