The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
When your parents check you’re ok.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid