I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.