I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.