*swipes right on my hand mirror
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
🤣🤣🤣
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously