I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?