What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it