So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.