1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
How I’d get arrested…
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside