Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”