College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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Dead sexy!!
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*