The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
lol
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary