i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!