I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.