Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
be careful
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Living the best life.. 😊
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget