[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
i would wish you the best but i am the best
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.