Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
it’s the silliest best thing
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
*serious situation*
My brain:
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything