[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Tastes like chicken.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m giving up for Lent.
Worst perfume name ever.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.