My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?