You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I like long walks away from everyone
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy