Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what